It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve. Mike and I had been busy cleaning, baking, wrapping gifts and singing carols along with the stereo. We were expecting the kids, we were going to have a Christmas dinner, play games etc. The house smelled delicious! The mixtures of the leg of lamb roast, fresh evergreen Christmas tree even the smell of homemade pie wafts through the air.
"Dinner is almost ready, I'm going to hop in the shower." I said to Mike, who was sampling some cheese and crackers.
"Mmmm...I'll be right behind you." He says with a sparkle in his eye. "Mike, the kids are going to be here soon!" I hurried off to the bedroom. "What's your point??" He hollars after me. Ugh! That man...thinks we have time to mess around when I'm trying to throw our family Christmas party!! Trouble is..when he looks at me that way with those deep brown eyes, and wraps his arms around me. Well, I'm weak even before he kisses me with one of those slow, romantic kisses, like you see in the movies!! I'm ridiculously in love with him!!
While in the shower I felt the left side of my left breast. It had been bothering me all day, but we were so busy I somehow ignored it. Now, when I touched it a sharp, hot, pain rushed down the left side of my body. My heart started pounding, something wasn't right. I felt it one more time and there it was. A lump! A lump that I wasn't aware of just 24 hrs. ago.
"Mike!" I hollered.
"I knew it, you DID want me in the shower!" He says pulling the curtain back a little.
I didn't smile or laugh..he quickly lost his smile. "What is it?"
Feel this, I took his hand and placed it on the left side of my left breast. Those deep brown eyes widened, " How long has that been there?"
I shook my head, "I just noticed it, it's painful." We both stood in silence for a moment. Only the water drops from the shower hitting the porcelain tub could be heard. "I will call the kids and tell them we are taking you to the ER." Mike says turning away from me.
"Wait! We are not doing that tonight. We've been so excited for the kids to come and spend some time with us for Christmas, this can wait."
Mike looked at me and said, "Are you sure?" So that is just what we did. Within an hour our house was full of hugs and laughter and Christmas cheer.
That night laying in bed, we looked up symptoms of breast cancer. We just knew it wasn't cancer because 1. It didn't run in my family and 2. Cancer doesn't hurt. Infections can hurt though, they feel hot to the touch. It was a restless night, with hardly any sleep. Finally the day started, the sun just peeking over the horizon. Christmas morning, the day we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. We began the day with a prayer, thanking God for all our blessings and asking him to bless me, that my body would fight off this painful infection!
We went to my moms home for breakfast. Then she came to spend some time with the family! Also, we were all waiting for a call from our sweet missionary, Casey Lynn! She was serving a mission for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She was in Oklahoma and loved it there! Her mission was going to end soon, but we didn't know that at the time.
Mike had asked me more than once if I was still okay waiting to go see a Dr. I assured him that we would see how things were after today. I wanted to focus on our family and Christmas. He agreed half heartedly, then gave me a worried look.
I fixed a lunch/dinner that people could just eat when they wanted too. I don't remember what food I fixed, isn't that funny to forget? Christmas day came and went...sadly I don't recall much about it this particular year. I know Casey was the one not with us. I know the other 3 and 2 spouses spent some time with us! I know Mike and I closed our door after everyone had left for the evening, we sat down on the sofa. "I've had fun, but, I'm exhausted." I said.
"How's your pain? Is that lump still there?" Mike asked, hoping it was not.
"The pain is bad. Yes, the lump is still there." I touched my left side lightly, the lump felt bigger. I decided I would get some good sleep and we could work on it tomorrow. I took some medicine for pain and we watched a movie. I fell asleep while Mike finished watching.
I rolled over on my left side, it hurt! It took me from just starting to stir to wide awake in 3 seconds! I remember climbing out of bed and feeling that left side. Now I knew the lump had grown. Maybe not much, but it had grown.
I woke Mike and told him how I felt, physically and then that I was sure the lump was bigger. He also came right awake. We had to decide if we should call a Dr or go to the ER. With it being the day after Christmas, we opted for the ER. We didn't think we would be able to get into see the Dr. in his office. We felt that this wasn't something we should wait on any more.
The ER wasn't as busy as we thought they would be. Of course it was the day after Christmas, most people were still home enjoying thier families. Not us, not today. The nurse was asking me all kinds of questions..I think I answered most of them.
My vitals were taken, then the nice nurse took us back to a room. They had me put on a gown. "The Dr will be right with you." I don't think we had to wait very long. This just got real to me...my thoughts raced with everything from would they put a drain in me?? To What if it were.....nope, I'm not even entertaining the thought!
"Hello, Colleen, is it??" This very kind Dr. said as he walked into my room. I introduced him to Mike. Then he went straight to work. He asked all the questions the nurse had, plus a few more. He felt the lump and his eyes showed a little concern. He ordered a ultrasound right then.
"Does breast cancer run in your family?"
"No." I quickly replied. Then I got a lump in my throat. He walked out of the room leaving Mike and myself lost in our thoughts.
"We aren't going to overthink this ok?" Mike said, gently kissing my head. "Know matter what the outcome, I will get you through this." I shook my head yes, I couldn't think of anything to say at the moment.
We didn't wait too long when they came and got me for the sonogram. I lay quietly looking at the screen. She was taking measurements of something. Surprisingly, I became calm and I felt that all would be well. They put me back in the room with Mike. We sat so quietly waiting for the Dr. you could hear the clock ticking....
I was lost in thought. This has to be infection. No history of breast "C" in my family. Plus the pain was getting more intense.
The Dr. walked in...He pulled up the stool next to me, Mike stood on the other side holding my hand. "Well, I want you to know I've contacted the plastic surgeon and the oncologist. I'm so sorry to give you such shitty news and especially on the holiday. You will be scheduled for a mammogram and they will do a biopsy. Can I do anything for you?"
I was numb, I couldn't feel anything. My mind was racing with thoughts and then there was that hot, intense pain. I heard myself ask, "Is there anything I can do for the pain?"
"Yes, glad you asked." This Dr. Was so sweet. He apologized 4 different times. Not because he did anything wrong, but he empathized with Mike and I. He said if he could do anything for us to let him know. To this day, I wish I knew this Dr's name.
It didn't really register with Mike or I what was truly going on at this point. We left there lost in our thoughts and denial of what this Dr said.
Then, a couple days later we had an appointment with the advocate nurse. Her name is Deb. She is a very kind, compassionate and professional. I had gone thru the mammogram as well as biopsy. Deb had us sit on some chairs in her office.
"Hello Mike and Colleen. I'm Deb, I'll be your advocate nurse. If you have any issues, questions, problems with insurance, I'm your go to gal." She smiled at us. I'm sure she was wondering why we looked so blank.
Finally, I had to ask, "Do I have cancer?" I blurted out..while shaking in my shoes.
"Are you kidding, no one has come out and told you?"
We shook our heads no and saw her cheeks go red. "Colleen and Mike, I apologize. Sometimes we get going so fast on all the testing, paperwork, plans for the patient...that we forget that you don't know for sure. Yes, yes you have what is called triple negative breast cancer. It is a very aggressive form of breast cancer. You're in good hands with your Dr. She is very good, all of our Dr's are good. I'm confident that you and her will get along very well."
At the end of a whirlwind appt. Mike and I quietly walked out of the hospitol and got into our Toyota FJ. I took one look at him and we both started to cry. We held on to each other and tears flowed freely...
