Stopped Me In My Tracks!!

      It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve.  Mike and I had been busy cleaning, baking, wrapping gifts and singing carols along with the stereo.  We were expecting the kids, we were going to have a Christmas dinner, play games etc.  The house smelled delicious!  The mixtures of the leg of lamb roast, fresh evergreen Christmas tree even the smell of homemade pie wafts through the air. 

     "Dinner is almost ready, I'm going to hop in the shower."  I said to Mike, who was sampling some cheese and crackers.     

     "Mmmm...I'll be right behind you." He says with a sparkle in his eye.  "Mike, the kids are going to be here soon!"  I hurried off to the bedroom.  "What's your point??" He hollars after me.  Ugh!  That man...thinks we  have time to mess around when I'm trying to throw our family Christmas party!!  Trouble is..when he looks at me that way with those deep brown eyes, and wraps his arms around me. Well, I'm weak even before he kisses me with one of those slow, romantic kisses, like you see in the movies!!  I'm ridiculously in love with him!!

     While in the shower I felt the left side of my left breast.  It had been bothering me all day, but we were so busy I somehow ignored it.  Now, when I touched it a sharp, hot, pain rushed down the left side of my body.  My heart started pounding, something wasn't right. I felt it one more time and there it was. A lump! A lump that I wasn't aware of just 24 hrs. ago.

     "Mike!"  I hollered.  

     "I knew it, you DID want me in the shower!"  He says pulling the curtain back a little. 

      I didn't smile or laugh..he quickly lost his smile. "What is it?"  

     Feel this, I took his hand and placed it on the left side of my left breast.  Those deep brown eyes widened, " How long has that been there?" 

      I shook my head, "I just noticed it, it's painful."  We both stood in silence for a moment.  Only the water drops from the shower hitting the porcelain tub could be heard.  "I will call the kids and tell them we are taking you to the ER." Mike says turning away from me.

     "Wait!  We are not doing that tonight.  We've been so excited for the kids to come and spend some time with us for Christmas, this can wait." 

     Mike looked at me and said, "Are you sure?"  So that is just what we did.  Within an hour our house was full of hugs and laughter and Christmas cheer.

     That night laying in bed, we looked up symptoms of breast cancer.  We just knew it wasn't cancer because 1.  It didn't run in my family and 2. Cancer doesn't hurt.  Infections can hurt though, they feel hot to the touch.  It was a restless night, with hardly any sleep.  Finally the day started, the sun just peeking over the horizon.  Christmas morning, the day we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  We began the day with a prayer, thanking God for all our blessings and asking him to bless me, that my body would fight off this painful infection!

     We went to my moms home for breakfast.  Then she came to spend some time with the family!  Also, we were all waiting for a call from our sweet missionary, Casey Lynn!  She was serving a mission for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She was in Oklahoma and loved it there!  Her mission was going to end soon, but we didn't know that at the time.

     Mike had asked me more than once if I was still okay waiting to go see a Dr.  I assured him that we would see how things were after today.  I wanted to focus on our family and Christmas.  He agreed half heartedly, then gave me a worried look.

     I fixed a lunch/dinner that people could just eat when they wanted too.  I don't remember what food I fixed, isn't that funny to forget? Christmas day came and went...sadly I don't recall much about it this particular year.  I know Casey was the one not with us.  I know the other 3 and 2 spouses spent some time with us! I know Mike and I closed our door after everyone had left for the evening, we sat down on the sofa.  "I've had fun, but, I'm exhausted." I said.

     "How's your pain? Is that lump still there?" Mike asked, hoping it was not.

     "The pain is bad.  Yes, the lump is still there." I touched my left side lightly, the lump felt bigger.   I decided I would get some good sleep and we could work on it tomorrow.  I took some medicine for pain and we watched a movie.  I fell asleep while Mike finished watching.

     I rolled over on my left side, it hurt! It took me from just starting to stir to wide awake in 3 seconds!  I remember climbing out of bed and feeling that left side.  Now I knew the lump had grown. Maybe not much, but it had grown.

     I woke Mike and told him how I felt, physically and then that I was sure the lump was bigger.  He also came right awake.  We had to decide if we should call a Dr or go to the ER.  With it being the day after Christmas, we opted for the ER.  We didn't think we would be able to get into see the Dr. in his office.  We felt that this wasn't something we should wait on any more.

     The ER wasn't as busy as we thought they would be.  Of course it was the day after Christmas, most people were still home enjoying thier families.  Not us, not today.  The nurse was asking me all kinds of questions..I think I answered most of them.

     My vitals were taken, then the nice nurse took us back to a room. They had me put on a gown. "The Dr will be right with you."  I don't think we had to wait very long.  This just got real to me...my thoughts raced with everything from would they put a drain in me?? To What if it were.....nope, I'm not even entertaining the thought!

     "Hello, Colleen, is it??"  This very kind Dr. said as he walked into my room. I introduced him to Mike.  Then he went straight to work.  He asked all the questions the nurse had, plus a few more.  He felt the lump and his eyes showed a little concern.  He ordered a ultrasound right then.

     "Does breast cancer run in your family?"

      "No."  I quickly replied.  Then I got a lump in my throat.  He walked out of the room leaving Mike and myself lost in our thoughts.

    "We aren't going to overthink this ok?"  Mike said, gently kissing my head.  "Know matter what the outcome, I will get you through this."  I shook my head yes, I couldn't think of anything to say at the moment.

     We didn't wait too long when they came and got me for the sonogram.  I lay quietly looking at the screen.  She was taking measurements of something.  Surprisingly, I became calm and I felt that all would be well. They put me back in the room with Mike.  We sat so quietly waiting for the Dr. you could hear the clock ticking....

    I was lost in thought. This has to be infection.  No history of breast "C" in my family.  Plus the pain was getting more intense.

     The Dr. walked in...He pulled up the stool next to me, Mike stood on the other side holding my hand.  "Well, I want you to know I've contacted the plastic surgeon and the oncologist.  I'm so sorry to give you such shitty news and especially on the holiday.  You will be scheduled for a mammogram and they will do a biopsy.  Can I do anything for you?"

     I was numb, I couldn't feel anything.  My mind was racing with thoughts and then there was that hot, intense  pain.  I heard myself ask,  "Is there anything I can do for the pain?"  

      "Yes, glad you asked."  This Dr. Was so sweet.  He apologized 4 different times.  Not because he did anything wrong, but he empathized with Mike and I. He said if he could do anything for us to let him know.  To this day, I wish I knew this Dr's name.

     It didn't really register with Mike or I what was truly going on at this point.  We left there lost in our thoughts and denial of what this Dr said.

     Then, a couple days later we had an appointment with the advocate nurse.  Her name is Deb.  She is a very kind, compassionate and professional.  I had gone thru the mammogram as well as biopsy.  Deb had us sit on some chairs in her office.

     "Hello Mike and Colleen.  I'm Deb, I'll be your advocate nurse.  If you have any issues, questions, problems with insurance, I'm your go to gal." She smiled at us.  I'm sure she was wondering why we looked so blank.

     Finally, I had to ask, "Do I have cancer?" I blurted out..while shaking in my shoes.

     "Are you kidding, no one has come out and told you?"

       We shook our heads no and saw her cheeks go red. "Colleen and Mike, I apologize.  Sometimes we get going so fast on all the testing, paperwork, plans for the patient...that we forget that you don't know for sure.  Yes, yes you have what is called triple negative breast cancer.  It is a very aggressive form of breast cancer.  You're in good hands with your Dr.  She is very good, all of our Dr's are good.  I'm confident that you and her will get along very well."

    At the end of a whirlwind appt. Mike and I quietly walked out of the hospitol and got into our Toyota FJ.  I took one look at him and we both started to cry.  We held on to each other and tears flowed freely...

   

     

Starting Over

     Take a deep breath and count to 10.  I remember saying this, to myself as I pulled away from the drive.  The Jeep Liberty was loaded to the roof, both in the very back and the back seat with a few delicate items in the seat next to me.  We'd only been married 2 months prior to our move.  I had butterflies and knots in my  stomach all at the same time.  I'd  never lived out of this little community since I was 3 yrs of age.  Now, here I was,( heading 350 miles South to make a new life, a new home.  It hurt my heart to  think of my girls.  Even though they were both out on their own, building their life, I didnt want this many miles between us. Poor Chaleesa, she just moved back to the county we lived in.  She said, "Finally, we get to live close again, Mom."  She'd been away at college the last 4 years and just landed her first teaching job in the county where we lived!  This broke my heart to tell her we had a different plan.

     The new place we were heading for, awaited my husbands two boys and he'd  lived apart from them for 3 1/2 years.  My mother also lived in the town we were headed to, which made me feel good.  She'd been away from my siblings and I for nearly 15 years.  I was leaving behind my siblings, my beautiful girls, some of my husbands family, especially his dad and my dear life-long friends!  "Stop it, stop it" I repeated to myself as tears ran down my face.  This wasn't an easy move for either of us.

     By the time we'd hit the freeway, I had some upbeat music playing and told myself this would be our new adventure! We both would have to break out of our comfort zones to meet new neighbors, new friends and new ward members in our church.  This would be a great move, we would learn to rely on each other.  This was his third and my second marriage...but we were comitted to makeing this work!

     Mike stayed back in our town, with our super, wonderful nieghbors, he had business to tend to while I moved us to sunny St George!  Actually, we found us a rental place in Washington, right next to St George.  I arrived in my overloaded Jeep Liberty with my 2 sisters-in-law in thier Ford F250 pick-up pulling a 4 horse trailer...fully loaded...of course.  I was overwhelmed with emotion to find 7-8 adult men and 3 teenage guys ready and willing to help us unload.  I stepped out of the Jeep, into the warm desert air and this slender man with blue eyes met me. "Hi Mrs. Burt, I found a few people to help you unload!"  "I can't believe this!  Last minute notice on a Friday night?" I replied.  He chuckled and replied, "I don't know that our new ward is this active, we just didn't have anything to do tonight."  Everyone laughed at that, then we all went right to work!

     "Thats the last box?"  I exclaimed as one of the young men asked where it should go.  With that I went out to the front room and noticed most of the men were gone.  The one that had been standing on the porch, waiting our arrival, told us if we needed anything to please let him know. He introduced himself as the Elders Quorum President, then he left. The 3 of us women fell onto the couches.  Linda said, "This one guy said you must of had a big party!"He was referring to all the Liquor boxes we had got from the Liquor store.  So I told him we sure did! Just don't tell the bishop!  I chuckled and asked,  "What did he say?"  Linda said, "Nothing, he just laughed!"  By now I was laughing...I pulled myself together and said, "That was the Bishop!"  We all busted up laughing again..we had worked for two full days, I think we were getting delirious!!

     Moving, starting over...its all so emotional, stressful and exciting.  Mike and I had talked about this move, before we were even married.  I was still trying to convince myself, I just wasn't 100% sure why we were doing this.  We both admitted feeling a pull in this direction...but why?? Sure, we moved to be with the boys and help my mom, but, little did we know it would turn out to be so much more...

     

    

The Grass Is Greener Where You Stand!

They say, whoever "they" are, The grass is always greener on the other side.  I think differently, I say, "The grass is greener right where you stand!"  Thats how I've seen it for a lot of years.  For example; when I was 8 years old, my oldest sister, who was 15 at the time, came up missing.  She didn't come home after she'd left a friends house.  My parents were divorced, all 4 of us lived with our Mom in Utah, our Dad lived in California.  Niether parent knew where she was.   She was at a friends house and was supposed to be home at 5:00.  She had told our Aunt she would tend our cousins, so our Aunt could go to a church function.  It was not like her to be irresponsible.  My mom and Aunt scoured the neighborhood in hopes they would find her...but, nothing.  It was a horrible time in my family's life. Days flew by, then weeks and months then finally, years.

  After 2.5 years of struggles, heart wrenching cries, anger and at times, laughter, hope and even miracles, we got the news.  Someone came across her remains.  This was a whole new series of emotions that came to surface  wildly chaotic!  Our family was devastated! Sadly, too many of you know what we were going through.  My dear, sweet mother never saw her daughter again. Each one of us, in my family,  had to make peace with this horrific event in whatever way we could.  We were forced to move ahead in life.  The world didn't stop, even when we had her funeral, people went about their daily activities as if nothing had happened at all. We had a hole in our hearts, and in our home.

     Now, you want to know why this is an example of green grass?  It's not all that we didn't get, it's for the little tender mercies we did get.  We got closure, the peace of knowing she was with Jesus. We got to give her a resting place.  So many, many siblings and parents don't get those things.  They are still waiting, still wondering, suffering in unspeakable torment because they dont know where their loved one is.  If thats you, know that you're not alone. Know that although our stories are different, together our hearts break, we feel the pain, emptiness and helplessness similarly.  I'm so sorry for your story, I wish you the best and may God bless you.  

     Another example of the grass being greener under my feet, is the day my neurologist gave me the news. My mom and I walked out of the neurologists office, the crisp Autumn air hitting us swiftly in our face. She quickly broke the silence, "Oh, aren't you glad you finally know?  At least now you can be treated and have some good days ahead?"  I was lost in my thoughts, Glad? Glad isn't the word I was thinking. It's MS, it's a chronic illness, I have two little girls.  Upset, worried even a little pissed off maybe, glad....no!"  Then I had nothing but time to think about what my Mom pointed out.  I had been 3 years going to Dr after Dr getting test after test.  Always hearing, "You have symptoms of this and that, but we don't know why?"  Now, I do have an answer, and she's probably right, I'll probably have some good days ahead. "Yes, I'm glad." I said, even if I was a little unsure of myself.

      God knows each one of us and knows what each one of us can handle.  Knows our needs, wants and desires.   Though my problems may be many and some may be very difficult. With my Faith and trust in God,  I can handle them better than I could handle your problems. 

      Now, I may not have convinced you the grass is greener right where you stand.  I hopefully have made you think about your life for a minute,  have a different perspective, even if it's on one issue!  Maybe, just maybe you'll see your grass a little more green!